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Duganafi Gaenana Falaeh with Femi Peters Jr (Chelsea)
Sunday, 29 August 2010 15:31
In this edition of Duganafi Gaenana Falaeh, Mr. Peters congratulates President Jammeh on getting married,
lauds the British, silly allergies, tells off Mario Balotelli, cat-sized rats, lauds Nollywood, on George Micheal, comes up with a solution for the pigeon crisis in Trafalgar Square and…HahataiCongrats but…
Read this week that President Jammeh tied the knot to Alima Sallah, an eighteen year old girl. While I congratulate him and wish God’s
blessings on their matrimony, is it me or was D5m and 3 vehicles to the girls family, which spurred off the fact that he was thrilled she was his first, a bit excessive?I mean, whatever happened to the old tradition of doling out cola nuts and what have you?
Such discovery is a source of pride and often calls for huge celebration in Gambian tradition, it was reported but not to the tune of millions, I want to state. I think Jammeh has put a price on virgins and the days of cola nuts and all what not are about to be extinct like democracy in Jollof.
Personally, I prefer my women ahem guilty and knowledgeable when I meet them. And I will continue to be in that mindset so that in case D5m and three vehicles swap places with colanuts, I won’t have to take out mortgage money just because my other half chose to be good.
All hail the altruistic Brits!
Remember a few column ago on how I doff my hat to the inhabitants of this island for their big hearted generosity in raising £75m in a week for the Tsunami victims six years ago? And how the Evening Standard launched a £1m fund for the capitals poorest and halved that amount in ten short days? Well, the UK public are at it again. They have donated £29m to victims of the flood disaster in Pakistan, ‘shaming politicians around the world,’ relief charities were reported to have stated. That figure dwarfed the £6.5m China sent, the £9.3m Japan put up plus eight choppers and the loan of 300 troops and the £3.2m India offered their neighbours along with 25 truckloads of potatoes. Only the US offered more, £96m.
Despite recession, job loss, homes being repossessed and what have you, Brits tops the lot for being the most generous people on God’s green earth.
I stand to be corrected.
Going bananas!
Everybody in the UK has an allergy. It stems from the normal to the befuddling. For instance, skimmed milk does no good to my insides. A nephew of mine is allergic to fish, another to nuts and an old flame to butter. Now I read of a woman who is so terrified of bananas she gets ill just by simply being near them!Even a glimpse can make Fran Dando, 21, hyperventilate and throw up. It all started, according to her, as a seven year old when her brother hid a banana in her bed. ‘I felt this horrible slimy thing. It scared the life out of me. Ever since if I see one, the same feeling comes back,’ she moaned. The problem is her two year old son loves them so what’s the solution? She wears rubber gloves to feed them to him.
Dando needs to grow the hell up and stop going bananas for her son’s sake.
Another woman, Yvonne Simon, 33, incredibly puts the A in allergy. The poor woman is even allergic to rain falling on her head. Eating almost every food and touching money makes her glands swell and gives her rashes. Thus, she carries a brolly all the time and wears gloves when handling money, newspaper or books.
Her allergies don’t stop there. It includes deodorant, perfume, paint, fizzy drinks, minerals in spring bottled water, chocolate, onions, car fumes, nuts, bleach, fish, tea, coffee, oranges, tomatoes, latex, talc, coins, bank notes, pasta, sunflower oil, wheat, bread, white rice, porridge, white sugar, sweets, cigarette smoke, gold, silver, food colouring, sulphates and calcium chloride.
Hand on heart, I made none of the above up, I swear to my maker.
It is life’s greatest mystery on how she managed to live to be 33 years old.
Either she is the 8th wonder of the world or, to paraphrase the Brits, she is taking the mick. Big time.
Mario Ballo-teller of tall tales!
I’m sick to the back teeth of black celebrities talking reckless about their parents, their dads in most cases.
Olympian Dame Kelly Holmes called her dad a sperm donor on live TV, Paul Ince lost it when his dad showed up at his press conference as a Man United player in 1989, Craig David has nothing good to say about his dad, Glen Johnson is avoiding his dad like the plague and Jayz tore into his dad in the last song off his Dynasty album called ‘Where Have You Been.’
Even some singer called Miss Dynamite got into it about how her dad was never there and blah blah blah. Her dad didn’t take it lying down. He refuted her claims and stated that, although he never got on with her mum, he had always been there for her. But of course, the mum manipulating her against him didn’t help. He showed a photo of him and a young Miss Dynamite, asking ‘If I was never there, how was this photo taken?’
I can understand Paul Ince’s fury at his dad showing up when he chose to never show up before but I have an inkling of a feeling these guys are all lying through their teeth. It is a ploy to gain public sympathy and put across that heavily recycled dad-sped-off tired story.
Remember last week how I decoded the Mario Balotelli mystery? Well, the guy has done a ‘Jayz, Craig David, Kelly Holmes’ or what have you.
He accused his parents of giving him up for adoption and never tried to keep in touch until he got famous. His biological dad, Thomas Barwuah, refuted the outlandish claims. He produced pictures of a young Mario, ala Miss Dynamite’s dad. He admitted giving him up for adoption due to bad accommodation. ‘We saw him every week and we all got on really well. We thought that at some point in the future, Mario would come back but every time we tried, the Balotellis kept extending the foster time. I’m a poor metal worker and couldn’t afford lawyers so Mario grew more distant. He would come and play with his brother and sisters but he just didn’t seem to have any time for his mother and father as he was convinced we had abandoned him.’ Thomas continued, ‘anytime we tried to get Mario back, the court blocked it. We have never spoken out as we don’t want to ruin his career but now enough is enough. We don’t want any money. We are Christians and every day I thank God that I have my legs, my arms, my body and that I can work and provide for my family.’
The last sentence snared me. Good thing Balotelli is not a Chelsea player as he is one player I’m beginning to love to loathe. Shame on you!
I foresee a ‘dix’* invasion
The saying goes that one is never 6ft from a rat in Britain. True, I have cornered and crushed one in my old place with a Timberland boot and
scurried after another that got away to live another day.Now, we have 2ft rats going about their business and I fear for the future. These rodents are living well off junk food and it won’t be long before one would be 6ft away from a 6ft rat.
I’m over 6ft myself but I don’t fancy my chances cornering a 6ft rat. As Lee Marshfield, a pest controller puts it, ‘rats are great survivors and they will be here long after humanity is gone.’
Here’s hoping they don’t gobble us out first.
*For non-Jollofians, ‘dix’ is Jollof slang for an over-sized rat. The full name is ‘dirimo.’ I remember a pal telling me one rolled out of its hole, looking for something to eat in broad daylight. So gargantuan was it the cats froze, failing to turn it into dinner.
Now, that’s a ‘dirimo’ among ‘dirimos.’
Big up, Nollywood!
Impossible, they say, is not in the average Nigerian’s dictionary. Them ‘ogas’ know how to get it done…by any means necessary.
Now I read this week that Nollywood, Nigeria’s answer to Hollywood, is the second largest producer of films in the world.
First is Hollywood, I presume.
The first UK festival celebrating Nollywood will be held in South London this year, giving the capital’s movie lovers a chance to enjoy the low budget delights of Nollywood, which produces up to 2, 000 flicks a year.
It is lofty pedestals like these I enjoy having a Nigerian name and equally enjoy being mistaken for one.
Daft but true.
On a serious note, is Jollywood or Gollywood or whatever passes for the film industry back home, really up and running?
By George, he needs saving.
George Michael is as likely to go through a whole year without getting spaced out in his car, incoherent than I have of winning the lottery.
And I don’t even play.
Earlier this week, the Careless Whisper singer was warned he faces jail after he admitted crashing his Range Rover into a shop front while under the influence of cannabis.
This is not the first time that George Michael, born Georgios Panayiotou, has gotten in trouble behind the wheel.
His license was returned only last year as it was revoked for two years in May 2007 when he hit three parked cars and fled the scene. He was under the influence of drugs.
I love George Micheal to bits. Unless a pal of mine comes out of the closet, he remains my favourite gay guy. But do his advisors love him enough to issue him a round-the-clock driver before the UK and the world mourns the untimely loss of a true talent? Sadly, it reminds me of a worker of Michael Jackson who, upon the king of Pop’s demise, was asked why no one told Michael the pills he was popping was doing him no good. ‘No one tells Michael what to do,’ he said before adding, ‘No one wants to lose their jobs!’
Well, unless someone in George Michael’s circle toughen up and tell the singer what time it is, he risks going out on his own accord rather than His own accord.
I would rather be in a job centre, content that my only crime was telling my boss what’s good for him that end up in a job centre as my boss is no more.
Cat among the pigeons
The above is the title of my favourite Agatha Christie novel. If you have time to spare, read this gripping novel and you will know why Christie is anointed the Queen of Crime. Long after her passing, no female crime writer has really staged a serious threat to her crown. Lynda La Plante, Beverley Barton and other crime writers have churned out masterpieces after masterpieces but Christie can continue to sleep easy.I only thought of her novel because Sebastian Shakespeare, a columnist for the Evening Standard, is trying to come up with solutions to solve the pigeon plaque at Trafalgar Square. He stated that £60, 000 a year is what Westminster Council pays for trained Harris hawks, which is expensive.
He opined that tourists should be given poisoned bird feed to feed the pigeons which, so to speak, would kill two birds with one stone as they (the tourists) would get their photo opportunity and the pigeon population would dwindle. ‘It is either that or an Eat a Pigeon for Britain campaign,’ he wrapped up.
I have a more novel and effective method.
We have a midnight-dark cat at home called Disney that does nothing but eat, purr, meow to be let out in the garden, meow to be let in and rub itself on your leg which I suspect is her way of showing gratitude.
For half the amount Westminster is paying Harris hawk trainers, I can get Disney to link up with three or more of her feline friends, relocate them to Trafalgar Square and that’s the pigeon problem solved for good.
Not only will Disney pay for my Amsterdam trip many times over, it will be the first time I invest in cat food and the first time she will have done anything useful other than eat, purr, meow to be let out in the garden, meow to be let in and rub itself on your leg which I suspect is her way of showing gratitude.
Hahatai…
My sister told my five year old niece she is off to an album launch and my niece, puzzled, asked why people have to eat Cds? ‘That’s not nice,’ she protested.
The gags below are taken from the opinions columns of papers:
‘I have seen lots of big rats. We call them MPs. There’s no bigger rat than them.’
‘Nick Clegg keeps banging on about social mobility. Is that a scooter?’
And my favourite.
‘We may never know if the Almighty is a Fulham fan but he would, of course, be welcome: we are a friendly family-oriented club. And I think he would feel right at home-many people who sit near us in the Johnny Hayne stand appear to be in his age group.’
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Comments
All set for The Battle Of Britain celebrations...?
Never in the field of human conflict did so many dictators owe so much to 300 Hurricanes and 100 Spitfires. oh! and a few gentlemen with rather stiff upper lips.
God Bless 'em.
Yeah, the recession got everybody save politicians. Those fat cats are still raking it in. Might consider standing for election in my area :)
British are very generous people. Thankyou for your kind acknowledgement .
The fact remains that those Brits who managed to keep their jobs through this recession...have faired very well. The low interest rates reduced mortgage/credit repayments in real terms...this allied to lower than expected inflation...has seen the majority of Brits with more money to spend {quite remarkable}
Expect David Cameron...to be repeating Harold Mac Millan's statement soon?
"You have never had it so good"
How do we resolve the fact that some 55,000 school leavers are now chasing just 9,000 university places?
The UTG should be offering places?
Now theirs an export opportunity?
Comment
The Chelsea man is at it again; Femi, I confess we share the same ‘Chelsea addiction’, for I must know the result soonest match finishes, whenever Chelsea plays, at/off work. Then come & see the gloom & heartache on my face when we lose; especially to allege ‘big 4’.
cont
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